Betrayal is most profound when its someone you love

Watching through the window it seems as if there is an entity inside of me brewing a storm, chaotic thoughts are tossed around, validations, questions, more questions. The seed of distrust was planted this evening. As I stand there looking through the window, I realize this was not the life I envisioned, and I question whether or not I can continue.  I have no choice but to continue, as if though a heavy lead hand has slapped me it is the weight more than the pain that I feel. At 39, I feel as if though I were 80, with no will to live, but then I think of the two smiling doting faces of my children and that thought is replaced with anger, resentment, and feelings I cannot begin to describe that are stronger than the mere words they express. His words rang through my soul, my heart and the whole of my being.

I have cheated on you many times, with 5 or more women, what could I do, I am a man!! I did it before you could do it! I have fallen in love with someone and she is an incredible woman. The pain of betrayal is so profound, so deep that I could literally hear my heart break, shatter as it would into a million pieces, and then shatter again. He had returned from a far away land

and he had been going repeatedly for many trips, all business. However, the last trip, my spirits, my ghosts, my intuition had told me that it was not what it was, he had cheated on me. The belief sooo deep it shook me to the core, but I did not want to believe it, I wanted to believe that the man that had said I was the most important person in his world, held to the same belief that I did, that we were as one soul. Now I do not believe in that ridiculous concept, today stands the cynic, whos smile has withered and turned to a pained frown.

The signs were there, he excused his trips as needed. Last time he arrived I thought I had an infection, but I had not had a vaginal yeast infection for many years! How could this be? He also had it, and now 5 weeks later he has a burning sensation with urination, I found on his phone history that showed he had looked up Chlamydia tests. Instead of saying, I would never cheat on you, he says, prove it! Instead of saying you are the only woman I love and could ever be with, he says there are millions of women. In reading this cruel reality it is hard to believe I am still here. I have not gone to the Doctors to be tested because maybe I really do not want to know. Chlamydia can only be transmitted through sexual contact, it does not survive outside the body, so it cannot be caught on a toilet, or sheets, any of it that could be another excuse.

Later that night I was determined it was the end, as he slept in the bed ( after I had asked him to leave-and he would not) I slept in the couch and he comes over as if bipolar, and acts as if he went through some possession and is unware of the heart he broke.