Another Dragged out Day or the Narcissist?

I am not sure what to title this blog? Another dragged out day because each day is a repeat of the prior, accusations, living a nightmare, reproach, pain, anger, forgiveness and redemption. One does not know how to react to these things, the great thing about being an adult, is that as my friend has told me. This is not my first rodeo, different song and dance and the only thing that has changed is the dance partner. Time to Dosie doe, ok that could totally be a slaughter of the dance term and I apologize for the attempt at humor without googling the right way to write it. However, I find that if I think about what I am going to write and edit it, the raw emotion that drives from my mind to my fingers is thinned and does not flow the same. My mind is a constant spark of creation and thought, and this situation has truly given me more philosophy. In the end Relationships SUCK! lol ok no they do not. I recall my grandparents, my grandfather was a doting husband and made all of us feel special. He was affectionate and sweet, he gave his all to his true love, even if she did leave him at th altar a few times.. ooops! He loved her with all his heart, until his dying breath. This was my ideal of love, and so it carried over into my life, always wanting to find this type of love. So far strike three, I really should call it quits. He stays and does not leave because here he is comfortable, waiting out the delayed pain. He and I are were a few days ago still lovers, he cheated on the girl he now supposedly loves, he tellls her all the same things that he told me, dedicates the same songs. Who does that? ahhhhhhhhh hence the Nacissist, from his mouth now, I do not care about you, I do not care about her, I care about me!!!!!!  If that is not narcissism then what is. Stop crying he says, I try to explain I am an emotional person but in the end, I knew it was over. Two people of our types can not carry on

Mea Culpa

Soy responsable por no tener el valor de pararme y decir basta, porque el amor que le tengo es tan profundo, que no veo fuera de este mar de dolor. Es sofocante, es mi vista completa. Cuando no esta conmigo me calcomen los celos, pero como puedes celar cuando ya no es tuyo. Sin embargo, en la cama anoche me dice de sus conflictos. Que te miente, y me miente a mi. Sin embargo yo aqui soporto saber que me miente, mientras ella no lo sabe. Ella cree que es un ser maginfico, alguien que la salva de su pobreza, de su desilucion. Pobre de ti, o que bien por ti. Porque o eres otra oportunista, que lo creo, quien le dice a alguien que lo ama tan solo el pase de 6 dias, que le es su todo, que es su alma. Y peor de todo, creer que su alma gemela es el, cuando el me lo juro a mi. Entonces son palabras que se derraman al vacio, mentiras. No se si tenerle lastima, o admiracion por ser capaz de enga~narle tan bien. Y el que a caido tan rapido por una persona que no conoce, a crear hijo ajeno, todo lo que dijo no haria, de nuevo cae al mismo hueco. Sin embargo estoy yo aqui, juegas con mis emociones, me dices que me amas, que me quieres retener aqui, y que ella aya se quede, sin saber. Que si lo amo??? Claro, quiero su felicidad sin medir la mia. Estoy por dentro hecha una mujer rota, destruida, enamorada. Como se puede uno aferrar a amar, a alguien que no merece el amor de uno????Sera alguna clase de Karma que tengo que romper? Me dice que me mata si me ve con otro, sin embargo el tiene a su otra, aya en esa isla de mierda. Y ella que tanbien se lo cree todo, lo peor es que se cree que le dije que no era verdad. Claro que todo fue verdad, y si fuera tenido sentido de preservacion fuera huido tan lejos pudiera, pero esta atrapada en la misma red. O de nuevo talvez sea ella quien atrape? SOno Mea culpa! por creer.. pronto en dias.. esto terminara.. y la libertad de este amor sera un recuerdo... con tiempo.. y en tiempo...

Me estoy muriendo por dentro

Go now.. please go. Your presence here lingers and it hurts, it is a reminder of a failure. My inability to see that you were broken before we came together, and you will be broken forever. We have a beautiful daughter, and had made a good life. Some men can have it all, and decide that it is not what they want. They want to have it ALL, these broken men, make broken promises, and broken dreams. They leave in their wake a series of lies, and promises that are never to be fulfilled. I never learnt, but now I am closer. So out of the misery that is my heart, I give thanks. Thank you for letting me see my worth, for allowing me to know that I can live even when you have shattered my heart, and annihilated my soul. Soul mate of mine you are not, love of my life you will not be. I let you go, find your greener pastures, because when you arrive, you will whither the pastures, and turn them full of drought and dry them out with your arsenic. Sweet Arsenic, that I drank from for so long..