The Tortured Heart

 Somedays I am not so sure I am all that well. I find myself fighting internal demons whose voices sometimes are much louder than that one in my head. So I come to paper, or writing to unload the burden of pains that are much to deep to express with rage or emotion. To feel the crumbling sensation within me that is all consuming and that wants to devour every part of my soul. That is what this feels like, a constant battle for my living soul, because truly sometimes the alternative feels like it would be the quiet the longer feel. Numbness might feel like a better solution to being tortured to live with a person who makes me feel this. Today was the day of mend, but then always something, always the screams, the dominant anger, the masculine toxictity that spews in uncontrollable rage. I silence, I quiet, I am told what will happen, and how to be a watching participant without a say in any matter. The issue our daughter is 12 and was given a phone, She is on it to much, that I understand. Hours on end, talking and playing. It is her escape, I get it, should she be doing more, probably. However, as everything with him. Yes, him the subject of my life. I have made a person the subject of my life who has so much influence on my sentiment on my emotions and how I even view life. I feel this pang where I miss her, the only other person in this world that understood me. I feel like my time here is done, I am so ready to just bail The feeling of frustration, rage, impotence, truly leaves me wanting to just do something to end this pain. To end this continous cycle of destructive inner pain. It is not a conversation, it is a dicatorship, it is a mandate, it is not questionable, it is a decree. It must be as he says it to be, and thereofre any free tought to the contrary will result in yelling, in accusations, in sayings such as I will give her to you with papers and I will leave, I am not made for this.. and I feel anger, and resentment..  I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. I AM TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. When you read this in the future and you continue .. how different from your Mother are you? She gave so much of herself to a man that did not love her beyond death, what do you expect of humanity .. what do you expect from a person who turned his back on his progenitor.

 It is 8-7-2023 and I am completely done, I have looked at past notes and information I have written over the years, and all of it share how I have found myself in this situation. I remember thinking my friend who lived in this was insane for staying in that relationship. Truth is I have never had a relationship that has been physical abusive.. and I am done. I have stayed firm in ending it.

El Pinche Corazon 2022 edicion

 It has been a while since I have poured out my heart to any pages. It is important to save the thoughts and the feelings. Anytime I express feelings in this relationship I am told I  am certainly Mexican as only Mexicans can act out drama. I must be wrong in the head. The offenses of today are always hurtful. Such as I wont let you shove it up my ass. Hmmm wonder what  I am shoving. He says I am controlling and have some kind of issue with being arrogant and prepotent, but I am none of those things. I am tired of it all. I love one aspect, but the truth, we are not intimate. It has been a year since he touched me. I am so over it. His idea of phases and where we are. We are over. I am over this. I truly look for my peace 

Y un día como hoy, me di cuenta que eras un vacío en el que invertí mis sentimientos

en un día como hoy morí un poco

un día como hoy

sentí que mi alma se desprendía de mi cuerpo

vacío y sin sentimiento

despertó dentro de mí un monstruo que no reconocí

y el me hablo sobre todo lo que debí ser y no fui

me dijo que debía ser lo que no soy

pero me di cuenta que tenía razón

no es fácil ser lo que es fácil es desvanecer,

yo sin ti, soy yo...

Porque

No se, I do not know why I am still here.. every day its a new small dagger across my heart, the heart is bled out slowly tortuously, and everyday just as it is to heal, your words fly out and drag me down.. from the sunshine I was in to this despair I am in..

Daughters of Goddesses

Continuum

Sometimes the surge of feelings spirals into a depression, I shove it deep, so deep within, that I can feel happy pretending nothing was real, that your change of heart is based on love. When you say things such as you feel you lost your crown because somehow for me you had to prove that you'd no longer be pilaging flowers.... is my love so lackluster? Your honesty hurts, small daggers hthat rip apart at the healing... I'll shove it deep again, deep, my own mind and my own reflections. This is my space,  where love and pain mix like a spiraling dance of inner chaos...