Naturaleza En Carne

I wish I were a wolf to howl the pain that remains within my heart, this heartache after forgiveness. The problem is that pain of the mind is the worst pain, more so than any ailment or broken bone, because from that you can heal at any given moment, from a broken bone the pain is in that moment, but a broken heart which is shattered is hard to put back together. You hear the words, I am sorry, I love you, I should not have betrayed you, and yet are they just words to apeace the others mind, do they truly believe that such simple words can obliterate the damage that has been inflicted? Last night I found a series of poems written and sent to the woman he says was one of the worst mistakes, and yet, that which is seen can not be unseen, the words when said can not be taken back, and the pain inflicted is harbored deep in the soul of the person you hurt. These tears always find a way to give away my poker face, it is these tears that find a way to surface and cleanse my soul. Yet inside.. like this wolf, I find deep within my self a part that can not let go. So how can a person get to the state of forgiveness, and forget? Never? Someday? There will not be trust, that has been broken, will one day we be able to trust each other enough to make this work? Often times I wonder if he is just with me for our daughter and a semblance of what that love was? Glimmers of it, but he does not realize, that each time I withdraw deeper within myself, no more loving embrace of passion where innocence once dwelt, no more the caresses born from a place of true love, betrayel is a knife that cuts so much more than trust, and loyalty, it is a knife that digs sooo deep that it leaves a person frail. I am older, I know I am no longer the youthful vivacious person I was once. I need to find myself, the dreamer again, and I need to understand where we are going in this journey. So for now, internally I howl.. someday este pinche corazon will make a decision.. what its outcome will be .. only time will tell

Pensamientos sobre un perdon forzado, y mentira para poder mantener la amistad

Me tienes, y la tienes, dos mujeres. Pero yo si se la verdad, aunque me pediste que le mienta, esa mentira es tuya, porque sobre aviso no hay enga~no. Me libero del dolor de tus mentiras. Que otra se trague todo, lo mas comico es que todo lo que te e contado, te lo cuenta, todo lo que te digo se lo dices. Y lo Peoooooooor es que todo lo que me dices es verdad, verdades que no le dirias a ella. Que le mientes hasta los dientes, porque sabes que no dire nada, sabes que no le confesare nada, que no le dire que estas conmigo, que estas confundido. Confundido??? Talvez porque yo estoy igualmente confundida!

Forgiveness comes with a price

The truth of the matter is that my is heart completely shattered  and there are so many parts of it trying to heal, to get back and get put together. This, the length of a long process, this is the process of forgiveness.

What nobody tells you about forgiveness is the fact that the moment you say it,  and you truly believe it, however, it's the forgetting that's the difficult part. The continual reminder and that is the difference between humans and animals- that's we can actually remember and that  memory and the memories there within you, specially memories of betrayal , memories of hurts; you no longer feel that you can trust this person, you want to trust,  you really believe you can trust but deep inside your soul there's a part that's broken and no matter how much you try the heart continues to be broken so you feel like you're drowning and you're living with your pain  so deeply inside yourself that you almost lose knowing who you truly are, you lose the memory of who you were, and you question everything that you dreamt when your life continues to be a series of problems and problems and there is no sunshine even when the Sun burns on your skin. Then you have to realize that maybe this path is not the right path,  the light is on but you continue.... sometimes some of the decisions of the past  we havemade place us on the path,and all the other paths been closed because you made this decision and you made this path so you have to stick on the path because now there is no other path you blocked every other path and you have to continue and continue this way. You feel as you are fading and never becoming this person that you were,  you think of that person and they seem like  some distant memory.