Another Dragged out Day or the Narcissist?

I am not sure what to title this blog? Another dragged out day because each day is a repeat of the prior, accusations, living a nightmare, reproach, pain, anger, forgiveness and redemption. One does not know how to react to these things, the great thing about being an adult, is that as my friend has told me. This is not my first rodeo, different song and dance and the only thing that has changed is the dance partner. Time to Dosie doe, ok that could totally be a slaughter of the dance term and I apologize for the attempt at humor without googling the right way to write it. However, I find that if I think about what I am going to write and edit it, the raw emotion that drives from my mind to my fingers is thinned and does not flow the same. My mind is a constant spark of creation and thought, and this situation has truly given me more philosophy. In the end Relationships SUCK! lol ok no they do not. I recall my grandparents, my grandfather was a doting husband and made all of us feel special. He was affectionate and sweet, he gave his all to his true love, even if she did leave him at th altar a few times.. ooops! He loved her with all his heart, until his dying breath. This was my ideal of love, and so it carried over into my life, always wanting to find this type of love. So far strike three, I really should call it quits. He stays and does not leave because here he is comfortable, waiting out the delayed pain. He and I are were a few days ago still lovers, he cheated on the girl he now supposedly loves, he tellls her all the same things that he told me, dedicates the same songs. Who does that? ahhhhhhhhh hence the Nacissist, from his mouth now, I do not care about you, I do not care about her, I care about me!!!!!!  If that is not narcissism then what is. Stop crying he says, I try to explain I am an emotional person but in the end, I knew it was over. Two people of our types can not carry on

Mea Culpa

Soy responsable por no tener el valor de pararme y decir basta, porque el amor que le tengo es tan profundo, que no veo fuera de este mar de dolor. Es sofocante, es mi vista completa. Cuando no esta conmigo me calcomen los celos, pero como puedes celar cuando ya no es tuyo. Sin embargo, en la cama anoche me dice de sus conflictos. Que te miente, y me miente a mi. Sin embargo yo aqui soporto saber que me miente, mientras ella no lo sabe. Ella cree que es un ser maginfico, alguien que la salva de su pobreza, de su desilucion. Pobre de ti, o que bien por ti. Porque o eres otra oportunista, que lo creo, quien le dice a alguien que lo ama tan solo el pase de 6 dias, que le es su todo, que es su alma. Y peor de todo, creer que su alma gemela es el, cuando el me lo juro a mi. Entonces son palabras que se derraman al vacio, mentiras. No se si tenerle lastima, o admiracion por ser capaz de enga~narle tan bien. Y el que a caido tan rapido por una persona que no conoce, a crear hijo ajeno, todo lo que dijo no haria, de nuevo cae al mismo hueco. Sin embargo estoy yo aqui, juegas con mis emociones, me dices que me amas, que me quieres retener aqui, y que ella aya se quede, sin saber. Que si lo amo??? Claro, quiero su felicidad sin medir la mia. Estoy por dentro hecha una mujer rota, destruida, enamorada. Como se puede uno aferrar a amar, a alguien que no merece el amor de uno????Sera alguna clase de Karma que tengo que romper? Me dice que me mata si me ve con otro, sin embargo el tiene a su otra, aya en esa isla de mierda. Y ella que tanbien se lo cree todo, lo peor es que se cree que le dije que no era verdad. Claro que todo fue verdad, y si fuera tenido sentido de preservacion fuera huido tan lejos pudiera, pero esta atrapada en la misma red. O de nuevo talvez sea ella quien atrape? SOno Mea culpa! por creer.. pronto en dias.. esto terminara.. y la libertad de este amor sera un recuerdo... con tiempo.. y en tiempo...

Me estoy muriendo por dentro

Go now.. please go. Your presence here lingers and it hurts, it is a reminder of a failure. My inability to see that you were broken before we came together, and you will be broken forever. We have a beautiful daughter, and had made a good life. Some men can have it all, and decide that it is not what they want. They want to have it ALL, these broken men, make broken promises, and broken dreams. They leave in their wake a series of lies, and promises that are never to be fulfilled. I never learnt, but now I am closer. So out of the misery that is my heart, I give thanks. Thank you for letting me see my worth, for allowing me to know that I can live even when you have shattered my heart, and annihilated my soul. Soul mate of mine you are not, love of my life you will not be. I let you go, find your greener pastures, because when you arrive, you will whither the pastures, and turn them full of drought and dry them out with your arsenic. Sweet Arsenic, that I drank from for so long..

The finale that wont find it's end

It has been about a week, and my head is as confused as ever. This is my escape, it is public, it is anonymous, maybe, but it is my escape. A place where I can tell the world what I would love to scream. The cry .. it is deep within me.. it is a raging pain. Yet, I forgive, yet, I want your happiness. You treat me with disdain, and with a mockery of what I thought love was. I stand on the edge looking down at myself, what am I to become? My life has reached its crashing point, the finale of this story. It is with complete and utter shock that this unfolds.., there is the part of  me that would like to work it, but it is over. Final, and done, I can not stay in this place because the truth is that if I do, I will be so broken, I may never regain the person I could be. Because one rose pinches you, you can not hate all the roses, and because one dream does not come through, does not mean none will. My favorite passage from the book the Little Prince, it is so true. This is not the end, but the beginning, so I will embrace it. Let the karmic wave of life take its flow, and not make me a prisoner of regret, and petty sentiments. Rather, let me rise and be a warrior of life, fight all obstacles in the name of overcoming. To believe with a heart of gold, love with the depth of my soul, and let go.... like the song from Frozen.. Let it go....................................................

I don't care
What they're going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on!

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back,
The past is in the past!

My ita says it, once you close a door, you never return to it. The past will become the past, though entwined with the present. I am capable of letting you go, and loving another. It is my heart that clings, while my mind, says LET GO!!! LETTTTTTTTTTTTT GOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

How can you love a person that hurt you so deeply, made you mistrust everything about you, made you question who you are, and what you are.  In hindsight, I should have known.. and now here I am .. broken and shattered, forgiving and hopeful. Hopeful for my future, free of your pain and toxicity that the only person who will bear it will be in deep sorrow once you remove your mask. But I don not care any more, because that is no longer my cross to bare, so be happy, be free, and just let me be...

Betrayal is most profound when its someone you love

Watching through the window it seems as if there is an entity inside of me brewing a storm, chaotic thoughts are tossed around, validations, questions, more questions. The seed of distrust was planted this evening. As I stand there looking through the window, I realize this was not the life I envisioned, and I question whether or not I can continue.  I have no choice but to continue, as if though a heavy lead hand has slapped me it is the weight more than the pain that I feel. At 39, I feel as if though I were 80, with no will to live, but then I think of the two smiling doting faces of my children and that thought is replaced with anger, resentment, and feelings I cannot begin to describe that are stronger than the mere words they express. His words rang through my soul, my heart and the whole of my being.

I have cheated on you many times, with 5 or more women, what could I do, I am a man!! I did it before you could do it! I have fallen in love with someone and she is an incredible woman. The pain of betrayal is so profound, so deep that I could literally hear my heart break, shatter as it would into a million pieces, and then shatter again. He had returned from a far away land

and he had been going repeatedly for many trips, all business. However, the last trip, my spirits, my ghosts, my intuition had told me that it was not what it was, he had cheated on me. The belief sooo deep it shook me to the core, but I did not want to believe it, I wanted to believe that the man that had said I was the most important person in his world, held to the same belief that I did, that we were as one soul. Now I do not believe in that ridiculous concept, today stands the cynic, whos smile has withered and turned to a pained frown.

The signs were there, he excused his trips as needed. Last time he arrived I thought I had an infection, but I had not had a vaginal yeast infection for many years! How could this be? He also had it, and now 5 weeks later he has a burning sensation with urination, I found on his phone history that showed he had looked up Chlamydia tests. Instead of saying, I would never cheat on you, he says, prove it! Instead of saying you are the only woman I love and could ever be with, he says there are millions of women. In reading this cruel reality it is hard to believe I am still here. I have not gone to the Doctors to be tested because maybe I really do not want to know. Chlamydia can only be transmitted through sexual contact, it does not survive outside the body, so it cannot be caught on a toilet, or sheets, any of it that could be another excuse.

Later that night I was determined it was the end, as he slept in the bed ( after I had asked him to leave-and he would not) I slept in the couch and he comes over as if bipolar, and acts as if he went through some possession and is unware of the heart he broke. 

Nebula negra

Hay dias de tremenda oscuridad, aunque brille el sol, se siente como si todo a mi alrededor es negro, y como si nubes de oscuridad me persiguieran. Cuando te llamo son gritos y reproches, como si no fuera casi dos semanas en las que no nos vemos, pero en fin. Ya me acostumbre a tu maltrato, cuando antes era cari~no y amor, ahora es esto. Poco a poco se va acabando el amor, poco a poco ya no entiendo porque seguir, solo por mi pinche corazon. La mente dice, ya no aguantes mas, sigue adelante y vive feliz. PEro sera que tanto mi existencia se a llenado de lagrimas y dolor que la felicidad es solo una ilusion

?

Me caigo sola al precipicio

Lagrimas de dolor
fuerte sentimiento desterrado desde mi interior
palabras como llagas que rompen mi corazon
fuerte, se fuerte, pero debilmente caigo ante todo lo que dices
no soy quien quieres que sea, ..
porque dices que me amas, y me matas con tus palabras
amar y odiar
sentimientos que se cruzan como fuerzas opuestas
tambaleando y callendose en un fondo
El precipicio es la solucion para esta alma llena de dolor
me veo caer, con libertad y con brazos estrechos
me aguanto al aire, como tus promesas que son intocables
el aire igual no ofrece apoyo

A video that truly represents the feelings I currently am battling, no one knows your heart but you, and though it beats within you, it is the screaming in my head that tells me more of the reason than what I want to listen to...