The Tortured Heart

 Somedays I am not so sure I am all that well. I find myself fighting internal demons whose voices sometimes are much louder than that one in my head. So I come to paper, or writing to unload the burden of pains that are much to deep to express with rage or emotion. To feel the crumbling sensation within me that is all consuming and that wants to devour every part of my soul. That is what this feels like, a constant battle for my living soul, because truly sometimes the alternative feels like it would be the quiet the longer feel. Numbness might feel like a better solution to being tortured to live with a person who makes me feel this. Today was the day of mend, but then always something, always the screams, the dominant anger, the masculine toxictity that spews in uncontrollable rage. I silence, I quiet, I am told what will happen, and how to be a watching participant without a say in any matter. The issue our daughter is 12 and was given a phone, She is on it to much, that I understand. Hours on end, talking and playing. It is her escape, I get it, should she be doing more, probably. However, as everything with him. Yes, him the subject of my life. I have made a person the subject of my life who has so much influence on my sentiment on my emotions and how I even view life. I feel this pang where I miss her, the only other person in this world that understood me. I feel like my time here is done, I am so ready to just bail The feeling of frustration, rage, impotence, truly leaves me wanting to just do something to end this pain. To end this continous cycle of destructive inner pain. It is not a conversation, it is a dicatorship, it is a mandate, it is not questionable, it is a decree. It must be as he says it to be, and thereofre any free tought to the contrary will result in yelling, in accusations, in sayings such as I will give her to you with papers and I will leave, I am not made for this.. and I feel anger, and resentment..  I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. I AM TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. When you read this in the future and you continue .. how different from your Mother are you? She gave so much of herself to a man that did not love her beyond death, what do you expect of humanity .. what do you expect from a person who turned his back on his progenitor.